Bleh I can't make up good titles! I struggle with any kind of title which is why they suck.
This is a little something I want to share, one because it's ancient history, two because I know some of you may be going through the same situation or have been in the situation. I want to share as we all have been there.
Three years ago feels like a century ago. A lot of things have changed and a lot of mistakes were made during that time. I'd say when I was seventeen years old I felt on top of the world. I'd started college, was enjoying a medical science course I was doing and hating English Language (who'd have thought?). I had a group of friends who I thought I felt a part of and I had a boyfriend. I felt the luckiest girl alive, and I was beginning to turn my back on Sonic... after 12 years of being a fan I thought Generations was the last straw. I mocked the trailers due to Classic Sonic. (Don't ask). I thought I was "growing up")
The whole ordeal with the ex... I've mentioned him before but as of recently I keep remembering bad memories of him. Not because I want him back or have even seen him after three years. Maybe I'm remembering because the present me would not have allowed or done the things past me did. I thought he was lovely, maybe not? He tried to impress me with Sonic... he bought Sonic Generations just because I liked Sonic. He was an attention seeker, if I unfocused from him for just 2 seconds I would know about it. He would get angry with my opinions, not because of the content I was saying, it was because I had an opinion. Yes people he was one of THOSE! He didn't like me talking that much, he preferred to see me but not hear me.
That last one angers me now. It seems a bit sexist and maybe he was. Let me stress, I am not a feminist. I believe EVERYONE should be treated the same no matter what gender, culture, race or anything they're from. No one in my eyes is superior. And let me say I've met people who think they are like that... they talk to me once and then leave me alone after their "attitude" towards me. This has happened both on the internet and in real life.
So why did I let my ex walk over me? I did take charge towards the end by ending the relationship but I sometimes think I should have grown a pair. A past mistake I wish I could fix but can't. We didn't have much in common, I can't even remember the conversations I had with him... well I remember one but the less said about it the better.
Even when I ended things I still wanted to be friends with him... heh a friendship I wish I had that I have now. I still wanted to be close with him just without the relationship part to it. No we were with our group of friends and as much as I liked them I prefer being alone with someone. It's the time I can open up and be my true self. I'm not exactly a social butterfly mingling from people to people without a care in the world. I think the kicker was a girl he was helping as she had just split up with her boyfriend. I thought nothing of it but I did think it could threaten our friendship. He wanted me to be part of group conversations when I wanted to be alone. Well not long after that he announced he was dating her... my world crashed and burnt.
I remember the day so clearly. I only had a single lesson at college and would have a driving lesson that day, I was nervous when I learnt to drive. I literally was like "ah there's a car on road!" I'm not like that now of course. Anyway, he walked up to me with her (not holding hands or anything) and he said it... he said it as if he announced someone had died, it was so solemn. I remember saying our friendship is over, I don't want to talk to you. Was I upset? Of course! Did I show it? No. I had two lessons to go to first. I remember the driving lesson being a bit nerve racking. I went home to an empty house (everyone was at work) as I finished at about lunch time. I remember getting half way up the stairs and I just collapsed and broke down. I screamed, threw shoes at something inanimate, screamed in the shower. I was hurt and so angry. I'd never felt so angry in my life and I haven't felt like that again. Good as that was awful.
I had to see him in college though. I couldn't be with our friends because him and her were there. I refused to talk to him or look at him. I didn't shy away, but he did. I was alone and had no one to pick up the pieces. I had to go about boldly even though I felt alienated. I was raging with jealousy and nothing could cheer me up or make me happy. My exams were depressing, my lessons lacklustre, my lunch I spent alone. I was on Deviantart and felt happy in the environment... but I didn't draw often if ever. I was seventeen.
Why am I telling you all this? Number one is that jealousy ruins an individual. After that ordeal I don't get jealous. I was never jealous of items that people had or owned, it was love jealousy. It ruins your soul and corrupts your view on the world. There were times where I would see him from behind me, I actually stopped one time as I wanted to hurt him. But I carried on walking after I came to my senses. Another reason I'm telling you all this is that after three years things got progressively worse. It wasn't down hill ALL the way, but things have not been their highest in a while. It spanned from that event. I did feel bitter about it but who wouldn't?
I'm about to enter the next chapter of my life in trying to find a career. I'm an adult now, I'm learning how to be an adult as you don't become one with a snap of your fingers just because you're age says you're legal to be an adult. I'm also at the stage of my life where I'm figuring out my personality. Your personality changes with time. I've been told that being in your 20s is a difficult part of your life as you're thinking of the future. Settling down with a family, finding a career, building that career. I'm remember past mistakes such as my ex. If I saw him again I wouldn't relate the above I have mentioned to you. I wouldn't hold anger towards him. Just because I felt angry before doesn't mean I am now. The whole point is it's past tense.
I'm not in a good position with my current job at the moment as I'm wanting to find a new one, but with everything else I seem to be surviving. I have wonderful friends who I would never get rid of. They are good to me and I hope I am good to them. I seem to be progressing well with my hobbies.
Being an adult is hard. You may still be a teenager and all I can say is treasure it as that transition from a child to a young adult is testing on the mind and body. We're all human. We have our perks and our problems. We deal with it in our own little way. We will get upset, we will feel depressed, but even if it's a long time it will get better.
This was a long one I know
Made by Cyan-Creek